the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
