my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
