The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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