I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
