Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
