Betty ford says i'm here all night
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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