Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
