Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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