i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
