we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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