I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
