i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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