She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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