Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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