He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
