Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
