I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
