woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
