I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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