On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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