Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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