so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
