I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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