I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
