your parents love me but you hate me
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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