Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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