Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
