I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
