My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
