I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
