Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
