I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
