I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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