Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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