Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
