no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
