my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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