everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You don't make any sense
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