I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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