I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
