Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
