I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
