Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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