Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
