i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
