i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
