rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
