So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
