I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize