I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
