drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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