it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
