Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
