Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
