I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
