I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
