Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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