just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
